Abducted by aliens and anal probed!!!
Ok the titles not exactly true but I bet it got your attention LOL. What you are about to read here is a true life experience that I had to endure this past monday. Some details might get graphic so you have been warned if you decide to keep reading!
Every year I try and go for a physical. Since we moved to Victoria I haven't been able to find a local Dr and the chance of me finding one with Tiny hands and fingers like Dr Martin is very unlikely. Even before we moved to Victoria I had told her that. I was in one time and she was having a bad day I could tell so I asked her to hold her hand up against mine. When her small hand was dwarfed by my big mitt I said thats what I wanted to see so lets book a physical. I told her that's how I pick my doctors especially ones that will have to do a prostate exam. She laughed and thanked me said I made her day. Shes very nice I always try to joke and make her smile.
Anyways .... I decided to phone and book my appointment for a physical with her up in Duncan. She mentioned that she thought I had moved and would have gotten a new doctor. I told her there are none available for new patients and I reminded her of my criteria for small hands and fingers. We had a good talk about my health and medicine and about her family and when all was said and done and the rubber glove was tossed out she handed me the paper work to go get some blood tests done as usual. I told her I would get them done in Victoria.
Now this year they have added something new. This is where it gets a bit graphic!!! They want a stool sample and you have to do it at home and bring it in. They give you a little kit with a bio hazard symbol on it. They want you to drop a deuce in the toilet then take this little digger thing and get a piece and put it in a capsule. You bag it up and take it and drop it off at the clinic. I did wash my hands and I even used soap.
A couple weeks go by and I get a call from the Duncan hospital. They found blood in the sample and they want me to get a colonoscopy. I had to book 2 appointments one you go down and they explain the procedure and what they are looking for in pretty good detail. Then you sign a release for and they give you a personalized booklet. It tells you what you have to do starting 5 days before which is not to eat popcorn or anything with seeds. Apparently that stuff can stick to the sides and has to be vacuumed out before they can do the procedure. 2 days before you have to take a stool softener. I was worried cause I was driving bus all night and didn't want to poop myself in front of passengers. I didn't!
Now the day before the procedure really sucked cause I had to fast all day and the Ti Cats were playing and I love to pig out on junk food while watching the game. I was allowed any liquid that you could hold up to the light and see through it except for alcohol! So Pepsi and Gatorade and jello were my staples of the day. Then at 5pm I had to take this powder crap and mix with 1 L of water and had to drink a cup of it every 10 to 15 minutes as well as another L of liquids. For the next 3 hours you stay very close to the toilet. Wont go into details but wasn't pretty lol! It eases off and I was able to get some sleep.
The morning of the procedure I had to get up at 4am and drink that powder crap and liquids again. So you know what I was doing for the next 3 hours, yup I was sitting on my thrown posting and reading facebook. LOL. Patty had to get up and drive me to Duncan. I stayed in my p j's and brought extra underwear just in case! Patty would have killed me if I pooped in her car lmao. We made it to Duncan a little earlier then planned with no mishaps so I made Patty drive me around so I could hack portals on my Ingress game. I killed a couple enemies and took over their portals 5 in all I believe.
We went to the hospital and checked in then I sent Patty off to see Aunty Irene and Uncle Jim! It wasn't a very long wait before they got me in and did some tests then handed me my robe. They put a nice warm blanket on me and had another one to wrap my arm in because they were going to be putting an I V in that arm. I had my ipod playing tunes and had covered my eyes with a blanket and fell a sleep. I woke up when the nurse started prepping my arm and asked if I could quickly use the little boys room first. I flew out of bed and down to the washroom where about 1 strangers got to view my bare ass rushing by. I did not care because i really REALLY had to go. When I came out I had the gown closed better but wasn't sure if I should bow after the show I had given all those lucky people. I was expecting applause but there was none. Maybe because its a hospital and your supposed to be quiet. I am proud of my Gower ass and yes it is bigger than it used to be but so what I still like it.
After the I V was in I did go back to sleep for a bit then a nurse came in and said Mr Gower its time! I didn't like the grin on her face and I told her she had some nerve smiling like that when she new exactly where I was going and for what! She chuckled and said better you than me. When I got to the operating room all the nurses were laughing and joking and running around prepping. I said you people are enjoying your job just a little to much. I'm about to be violated here and you are all happy!. I should have told them not to hurt my gerbil lol. I did tell them that would be happy cause it was as clean as a whistle down there. They asked if they would find any missing remotes down there and one asked or mabe someones head. I said Im not a boss so there wont be any heads but someday they might find my head in someone elses LOL. I told them they could keep any change they found.
They do not put you to sleep for this procedure. When your in the fetal position and you look forward they have a screen positioned so you can see everything. Yeah just what you need although I was interested and watched the whole thing. You feel a lot of pressure and cramps in your stomach and I gagged a little when they touched my tonsils! They can move the head of the camera all around to see everything. They did find 2 polyps and you could see them come in with this wire noose and grab it and cut it off, Then they suck it up in a central vacuum cleaner. There was 2 small ones and they got them both. The Doctor told me that they were so small and everything looked good that there was no worries and they weren't even going to be testing them. They said I should come back in 5 years.
I had to lay in recovery for about 15 minutes then they wheeled me back to where I started. The nurse told me basically what the Dr had told me. She then asked who was picking me up and told me to get dressed while they called my wife. Patty must have flown cause I was barely dressed and she was there. I thanked every one then we rushed out to the car. Supposedly I am considered impaired and cant drive for 24 hours. You'll never guess what the first thing we did was .... ok you might guess what but you probably wont guess where! We went to Wendy's where I got a Baconator large fries and large coke! Oh my god it was sooooo good!
We drove straight home from there and I told Patty if she got me some eggs I would make Cherry Cheesecake as we were going to Al and Ninas for diner. My wife knows me well because she came back with a big bag of M&M peanuts for me. She knew I had enough pepsi in the fridge. We went and had an awesome Spaghetti and meatball diner and for any one interested I still have not emptied my bowels but as I finish this post I am getting the urge.
I hope you enjoyed my post and that I didn't gross anyone out too much I kept descriptions to a minimum. It would have been different if I had been allowed to take my phone in, there would have been many selfies during the procedure.